What if Apple Created an Electric Car?

February 17, 2015

It will be magical.

The Apple Car

Hybrid cars? Tesla? Autonomous car? Google car? Apple Car!

There are rumors going around these past few days about Apple hiring engineers to design a car of its own. We probably won’t see it until 2020 or even later, so my guess is this will be an autonomous car. That said, this isn’t going to be a serious post, so I’ll stop speculating about things that may actually happen, and switch on that small sarcastic drawer in my brain.

What if Apple Created an Electric Car?

  • The first release will be limited to a contract with Pepco, any problem in the car’s performance will be blamed on the carrier. Tim Cook will tell a reporter that he is “driving it wrong”
  • In order to replace a tire, you need to connect to iTunes. Sometimes it actually works
  • Speaking of tires. They weill be called iTires. It will be an innovative thing – 4 circles placed ingeniously at the bottom of the car that are used to move the car on top of asphalt. And this invention will be patented
  • You can only install parts from the Apple Store
  • When you upgrade to the latest version, you may discover Bono on the seat next to you
  • Anyone can drive the car, as long as they also have an Apple car
  • Oh, and did I mention the driver also needs to own an iPhone? Or an iPad? Or a Mac?
  • It will come in white, black and silver. Gold will be a limited edition
  • It will keep all your driving history in iCloud. After a week you’ll run out of space, and will have to upgrade
  • They would buy the engine from Tesla, but it would cost x3 than the Tesla equivalent
  • Every new model will have a different way of charging. Standard charging stations won’t work
  • You will not be able to open the hood and replace any part yourself. If you do, your contract will be revoked and the car just might brick on you
  • People who don’t understand much about cars would love it. People who love messing with their cars, upgrading and changing parts, will hate it
  • As soon as they launch a new model all the old models will start driving 50% slower
  • When you buy it, it will arrive in a big black box. YouTube will be chock full of unboxing videos
  • To start the car, you’ll need to use your fingerprint. Or a PIN code. Assuming you configured them. Otherwise, it will be open to everyone
  • The radio will only be able to play music from iTunes
  • The car won’t allow you to enter and drive if you are topless
  • The windows will be made of Sapphire
  • To increase the car’s acceleration, you will be able to use in-car purchasing, which will only work via Apple Pay
  • The car will have a one year contract only, as opposed to the industry standard of 3 years
  • There will be no steering wheel. It will use a touch screen instead
  • You will be able to use Siri to drive
  • Opening and closing the windows will require a three finger swipe gesture – just as a toddler with no education would use
  • The navigation system will only work with pre-approved places
  • There will be a PlaceStore(tm), where Place owners will be able to upload their location and wait for 4-8 weeks to get their location approved by Apple
  • When a Place isn’t approved, no reason why will be provided
  • After announcing their car is the perfect size for driving, and following the competitors’ bigger cars, they will launch the iCar Plus
  • People will queue in lines to buy the car. Some will be paid by Apple to queue
  • And – of course – you’ll have to charge the car 5 times a day

Your turn

To make things clear, the list above isn’t my own. A lot (most) of the ideas came from two good friends of mine: @sageeb and +RanArad.

What other aspects of the car will be different in an Apple Car? Share below in the comments section – an official Apple iKeyChain (available at the low price of $199 in the Apple Store) will be raffled among the commentators.

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  1. Great list 🙂 I couldn’t resist replying with the following:
    – the larger SUV version will bend if you sit in it too long
    – a minor fender bender will crack all windows in the car
    – if you sit in the left back seat, the radio will lose reception

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